同学们， 2013年的圣诞节即将来临，让我们一起来看看关于圣诞节的 13个冷幽默热笑话，放松一下吧！
1.进教堂 Into the Church
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels— the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
镇里有三座建筑物被松鼠占领了--市政厅、五金店和教堂。市政厅引进了一些猫。但这些“猎手”撕毁了文档，于是它们也就被市长请出了市政厅。而很快，松鼠又回来了。五金店捕捉到松鼠后，施与怜悯将它们在镇外释放了。但三天后，松鼠爬回镇里来了。只有教堂采取了一种有效的解决方案。松鼠得到洗礼成为了教众。现在，人们只会在圣诞节和复活节时才能看到松鼠。
2.面额还是教派？ Denomination?
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps. " What denomination?" asks the clerk. The woman says," Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
一名女士走进邮局，问职员要 50张光明节纪念邮票（小编注：光明节：犹太人庆祝光明到来的节日）。职员问。“多少面额的？”女士说：“ 6张东正教， 12张保守党， 32张革新派。”
3.好灯 Good Lights
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but— wanting to make sure each bulb worked— she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. " Great," she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. " I don't want this box," she said abruptly. " It's been opened."
一位顾客进我们的商店买圣诞灯。我给她看了我们店里最好的牌子，但还需确认一下灯泡是否正常。她让我把灯泡从盒子里拿出来，然后通上电。我照做了。每一个灯泡都是正常的。她说:“非常好。”我小心翼翼地把这串圣诞灯放回盒子里。可当我把这一盒灯泡交给她时，她吃惊地看着我，突然说：“我不要这一盒，它打开过的。”
4.让媒体闭嘴 Stop the Presses
These holiday" headlines"— concocted by the satirists at the Onion— are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth. Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings, Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think, Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year, Book Given as Gift Actually Read.
这些节日头条 - -由全美最优质新闻媒体 The Onion的讽刺作家杜撰 - -完全是胡编乱造，不过听起来还真像是事实。诸如《放进圣诞袜的煤太贵了买不起》，《研究发现了红酒间的联系》，《让妈妈知道你真正在想什么》，《会计人员蜂拥时代广场庆祝新财年》，《书当圣诞礼物真有人读》。
5.藏礼物 Hiding the Presents
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot— the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they'd remain undiscovered. When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to" Mom and Dad, From the Kids."
早些天我就做好圣诞购物并包装好所有的礼物了。因为有两个好奇的孩子，我需要找一个适合藏礼物的隐蔽处。我想到了一个理想的地方——炉子间。我叠好礼物，用一块毯子把它们盖起来，觉得它们肯定不会被发现。当我去拿礼物想把它们放在圣诞树下时，我掀开毯子，看到，在我准备好的礼物上面整齐地叠放着另一些礼物，上面写着“给爸爸妈妈，你们的宝贝。”
6.交换礼物 Gift Exchange
My friend reviewed her young son's fill-in-the-blank homework. One line:" At Christmas, we exchange gifts with____." His response:" Receipts."
我朋友在检查她儿子的填空题家庭作业。有一行：“在圣诞节，我们和____交换礼物。”，他的答案：“收据。”
7.知识有限 Limited Knowledge
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. " No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. " You can't do that," argued my four-year-old. " Don't worry. Santa will never know." He shot me a look. " So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know the cookie fell on the floor?"
平安夜那天，在我们分发饼干时，我一不小心掉了一块到地上。“没关系。”我一边说，一边捡起来，并在放回盘子前掸掉了上面的灰。“你不能那么做。”我四岁大的孩子争论道。“别担心，圣诞老人不会知道的。”他朝我瞟了一眼。“这就是说他知道我有没有做坏事，而他不知道饼干掉在地上过？”
8.奇怪的圣诞拜访 Odd Christmas Visit
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England:" Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crè che, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan."
英格兰德文郡 Woolacombe海湾酒店有一篇文章：“他们的三日圣诞假期套餐包括家庭娱乐、育婴托管、美味佳肴，还有撒旦来访”。
9.快速清理 Quick Cleanup
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read" Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
不速之客就在路上，我妈妈，一个完美的家庭主妇，正忙里忙外地整理。她分配给我爸和我哥哥的任务是打扫供客人使用的浴室。一会儿之后，当她去检查的时候，她吃惊了，曾经一度杂乱的房间瞬间就被打扫干净了。接着她看到浴帘上有一张纸条，纸条上写着：“谢谢你没往浴缸里看。”
10.假日里的郁闷事 Post Holiday Blues
A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she'd planned on wearing them to the Christmas party. As a brand-new employee, I didn't know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board:" It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes."
我们饭馆里一位女服务员的一套换洗的衣服在休息室里失窃了。更糟的是，她原本计划穿着那套去参加圣诞聚会。作为一个新员工，我并不知道这个幕后故事，因此当我发现这张充满怒气的纸条贴在社区公告栏里时，有点吃惊。纸条上写着：“圣诞聚会已经过去两个星期了，但我始终还没找回我的衣服。”
11.轻易宽恕 Easy to Forgive
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I'd gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign:" No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don't make it harder than it already is."
因为研讨会迟到，现在找不到停车的地方，于是我把车停在了教堂后面。直到我从车里出来我才看到这个标志牌：“不准停车！宽恕是我们的职责，但是不要给原已糟糕的现状添堵了。”
12.等待圣诞节 Waiting for Christmas
My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked," What time does Jesus get here?"
我妻子第一次带我们三岁大的孩子去教堂。在弥撒曲开始前我们等了很久，孩子等的不耐烦了，转向妈妈问：“耶稣什么时候来这里？”
13. 平安夜祷告 Christmas Eve Service
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered," Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out," Right near the end!"
就在我开始平安夜祷告时，教堂停电了。教堂里的接待人员和我找到一些蜡烛，把它们放在礼堂周围。然后我重返讲道坛，整理了一下笔记后，我说：“刚才我讲到哪儿了？”，传来一阵不耐烦的声音：“马上就讲完了！”
