You know that mildly panicked feeling you get when you found out your friend’s mother just died and you really don’ t know what to say? 你有没有过这样惊慌的经历:你好友的母亲不幸去世,她正沉浸在撕心裂肺的痛苦之中,你却不知道如何去安慰她?
Breathe. It will be okay. 深呼吸,你能行的。
1. Not so good–“ God will never give you more than you can handle.” 1. 不要说:“上帝不会让你承受更多苦难。”
Even if the person has a faith system that includes God, this phrase has the tacit implication that if you can’ t handle things, you must not have enough faith, you’re a bad Christian, etc. 如果这个人对上帝有着很坚定的信仰,这句话就有了隐藏的含义:也就是说如果你处理不好这件事,你肯定是没有坚定的信仰,不是虔诚的基督徒等等。
Better–“ This must be so hard for you.” 不如说:“我知道你肯定非常难受。”
2. Not so good–“ I’m sure it’s all for the best.” 2. 不要说:“我想这一切可能是最好的结果。”
Ack! Try really hard not to say this! Right now, the grieving person doesn’ t see that anything is for the best except to have her loved one back. 我的天,千万别说这句话!这个沉浸在悲痛中的人并不觉得一切是好结果,除非她的至亲能够复活。
Better–“ It’s hard to understand why these things happen.” 不如说:“真不知道为什么会发生这样的事情。”
3. Not so good– Saying nothing at all. 3. 不要:什么都不说。
This is actually one of the worst things that can happen to a grieving person: having people ignore his pain. If you’re not sure what to say, or are uncertain that the person wants to talk about it, it’s okay to say just that. 周围的人忽视他的伤痛,这对伤痛的人来说可能是最坏的事情之一了。如果你不知道去说些什么,或者不确定他是否愿意聊这件事,那就直接说出来吧。
Better–“ I’m not sure what to say but I want you to know I’m here for you.” 不如说:“我不知道该说些什么,你只要知道我一直都在你身边。”
4. Not so good–“ He’s in a better place” or“ Just be happy he isn’ t in pain anymore.” 4. 不要说:“他去了更好的地方” 或 “开心点,他不再痛苦了。”
These things are always so well-intentioned, but ouch! The place the griever wants him to be is with her, no matter how much pain he was in or how difficult the caregiving was. 这些话的初衷的确是好的,但是悲痛者还是希望至亲就在自己身边,无论至亲有着什么样的痛苦或者无论照顾起来是多么的麻烦。
Better–“ You must miss him terribly.” 不如说:“你肯定十分想念他。”
5. Not so good–“ I know exactly how you feel.” 5. 不要说:“我完全知道你的感受。”
This is very tempting to say, but be careful: Even if you have experienced a loss, each person has their own unique path to travel so you can’ t know exactly how he feels. 我们总会说这句话,但是记住,即使你也失去过亲人,但每个人的生命旅途不一样,所以你并不可能完全知道别人的感受。
Better–“ I can’ t begin to understand how you feel”不如说:“我没法真正体会你现在的感受。